Emotional Intelligence Applications

As those of you with whom I've spoken recently know, I've been reading "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense," by Suzette Haden Elgin. Dr. Elgin has a Ph.D. in Linguistics, and formerly taught Linguistics at San Diego State. I picked this book up because I'm writing an ebook on Dealing with Difficult People (as well as teaching teleclasses on it), and one thing you have to be able to do when you're dealing with a difficult person, is to be able to defend yourself. This is a point many people don't seem to 'get'. YOU can have all the emotional intelligence in the world, but if the person speaking at you does not, and moves to an adversarial position, your EQ move is not one of empathy ("I must be kind. He obviously had a hard childhood") but rather to note the emotional response that signals to you you're under attack (our emotions are there to guide us), then quell it so you can THINK and figure out the best thing to say. Here are Elgin's 4 Principles (in caps) and my comments in small, as I can't figure out how to get a colored font on this thing! 1. KNOW THAT YOU ARE UNDER ATTACK. Your intuition will tell you this. Your emotions, that are here to guide you. If you feel tense, angry, depressed, disgusted, afraid, like "something's wrong," and so forth, you are under attack. If you don't 'get' that you're under attasck, and don't defend yourself, you mark yourself as a ready target for the future. 2. KNOW WHAT KIND OF ATTACK YOU ARE FACING. (More on this later) But at this point you must quell your emotions and start thinking. You need a clear head. 3. KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOUR DEFENSE FIT THE ATTACK. Too little and you'll remain the victim; too much and you could get yourself in trouble. And, as Elgin says in this book about the GENTLE art, "There is no excuse for anything more than just exactly enough." 4. KNOW HOW TO FOLLOW THROUGH. Time to handle the emotions again, particularly if you're female. US males tend to be well-versed in this from childhood on. Females, however, are not, and may experience some guilt when you deliver the one-two. Why do this? Personal Power, an EQ competency. You are not HOPELESS AND HELPLESS. If you do fail to defend yourself, you're acting HOPELESS AND HELPLESS and you will begin to believe your own press, as they say. Process the emotions further and you will have your reward! Instead of feeling depressed, angry, resentful, disgusted, tense, with headache, stomach ache, ruminations and obsessing over the injustice, you may have a great sense of relief. You may not even think about it further. When you take care of things immediately, and well, they move along quickly. You won't be lying awake that night wishing you'd said ... or wondering why you didn't ... Until next time!