EQ - About Nonverbal Communication

A LETTER TO DEAR PRUDENCE
ABOUT NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

Dear Prudence,

How do you respond to someone (a total stranger) who, out of nowhere, tells you to smile -- or remarks on the lack of a smile on your face? In the past month I've observed the following incidents. At the checkout line in my grocery store, there was a woman in front of me and a man in front of her. The man looked at the woman, who was not smiling, and said to her, "You must be having a bad day." She mumbled something in reply and gave an apologetic smile. After they left, I heard the two checkout clerks in the area speaking angrily to one another about what had just happened. One of them said indignantly, "What if her mother had just died?!" The other said, "I would have told him, 'My day was fine until you came along!' " And so on.

In another instance, a young man next to me at a sandwich shop, while placing his order, said to the young girl behind the counter, "Smile!" She quickly looked down at her work, cringed, and said, "Oh, it's just been a long day, I guess." (That's the kind of response I probably would have made.)

Then a few days ago, a male co-worker came into the office, annoyed, and said, "I hate it when people think I'm in a bad mood just because I'm not smiling. I'm not in a bad mood at all."

Apparently someone (another total stranger) had said something to him while he was in the parking lot.

When it's happened to me, I know I've felt offended. I don't want to be rude, but they're out of line, aren't they? I just would like to know how a person is supposed to respond to these people.

-- Smiling When I Feel Like It

Dear Smile,

These commentators are strangers? What's up with that? Prudie thinks a proper response would be nonverbal communication. Something along the lines of knitting your eyebrows together, narrowing your eyes, and making the slightest sneer, all while cocking your head to a 45 degree angle.

-- Prudie, huffily

COMMENTARY: Statistically, men are far less able to read nonverbal communication. They're hard-wired that way. One explanation, referring to sexual cues, is that men can't afford to miss any chance, so they misread in the direction of what they want, i.e., "that [whatever it is] means she wants me." Nonverbal information portrays the emotional tone of an exchange. Men experience an emotion instantly as a "call to action." They are not inclined, in fact not ABLE (hard-wired) to 'sit with it.' (Source: "The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain").** If it feels bad, which can occur when they don't understand something immediately, they just want it to go away. (Source: Mark Brandenburg, fathering coach and counselor. So why waste time reading further cues or investigating?

This in turn becomes an inability to read cues, because they have no practice with it. Then, because of men's procilivity (I love "propensity" and "proclivity"!) to externalize guilt, they will blame the other party, i.e., "Why didn't you smile?" or "Why don't you say what you mean?" or "It's your fault, you didn't make it clear." (Source: John Gray, "Mars and Venus, Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One," by John Gray, Ph.D.").

The last part of the puzzle is that men are less "socially responsible" (Bar-On, EQ-i assessment research). Therefore, they care less how the other feels, or what it might mean, which means, again, they put less time into it, and in turn, learn little.

**According to Simon-Cohen: "The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding and building systems." In other words, women are wired to understand people and relationships, while men are wired to understand ideas and things.

Anything about the genders is provocative. The good news about EQ is this: If you read something about your gender that disturbs you or makes you angry, and this is because you know at some level it's true ... you can LEARN EQ.

If you're a man who reads nonverbal cues poorly and this is causing problems in your life and relationships, then take action! Do something about it. Start learning EQ. If you're a woman and have trouble understanding systems, and how things work, take action. Part of the reason for this can be an over-emphasis on empathy and feelings. You can learn to turn this down, allowing you to think more clearly, when that's called for. You can get some balance by understanding that other things are important in life, too, not just emotions and relationships.

THE GOOD NEWS IS EQ CAN BE LEARNED! So don't waste your time cursing the darkness, learn how to light a candle. Call 210-496-0678 for coaching, or check out my Internet courses HERE and ebooks HERE.