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EQ 4 U - RELATIONSHIP BRIDGES

Beware the icy, analytical, critical stance for those of you that like that position (see article below)

WHAT MAKES A RELATIONSHIP WORK?
All studies show and I'm sure your own experience confirms that all married couples fight over the same things -- money, the kids, sex, in-laws, work schedules, house cleaning, and the like.

So what makes some survive, but barely, while some sink, and some thrive?

Well, I watched a couple I know the other day. Something came up that evidentally hit a nerve, and it was like one of them had thrown a lighted match into a keg of powder. They went from a "1" to a "10" in a nanosecond. It was comment -- attack -- counter-attack -- retaliate.

PREVALENT PHRASES THAT PREDICT TROUBLE:
"How can you..."
"You always ..."
"You never..."
"Yeah, right."
"See? You can't discuss anything rationally."
"Here we go again."

AND THEN THE NAME-CALLING BEGAN
You're such an idiot...
You're defensive ...
You're over-reacting ...
You're hopeless.

If just reading this puts a knot in your stomach, or brings back bad old memories, you aren't alone.

And, as you innately know, and research keeps confirming, those couples who make it are those who know how to resolve conflict without tearing each other apart.

EQ COACHING CAN REALLY PUT YOU AHEAD OF THE CURVE IN LIFE because these sorts of escalations occur in the workplace too.

Learning how to manage your emotions and resolve conflict amicably can add immeasurably to success in your relationships and career, not to mention your peace of mind, happiness, and HEALTH. It's also something you want to be able to model for your children, and teach them, by example. (Stop and think for a moment -- where did you learn the patterns you have?) "How to Develop Your Child's EQ" gives you some step-by-step instructions. Check it out.
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THE END OF ARGUMENTS?

Would you be interested in learning a two word phrase that could potentially drop the amount of time you spend feeling bad in your relationships by 70%?

It's really easy to master and you can use it for the rest of your life. It's made a massive difference to my life and my clients absolutely love it.

I first learned this technique from Taylor and McGee in their book 'THE NEW COUPLE: WHY THE OLD RULES DON'T WORK AND WHAT DOES'. Simply put, if you're having a spirited discussion with your partner that seems to be heading towards an argument, or even a blazing row, one of you just says 'time out' and you both walk away for a while to cool off. Once you've both cooled off you can get back together and talk about what was really going on.

Think you don't need this? Well, start paying attention to the arguments you get into and you're likely to notice that they make very little sense. Try to recount them, either to a friend or yourself, and you'll observe that your arguments spin off in bizarre ways and get very messy.

You may well start out with a point you're hoping to make but that often gets forgotten in the desire to be right. When most of us get into arguments with our loved one's we behave in ways that could easily be construed as less than adult - dare I say childish? That includes the icy, analytical, critical stance for those of you that like that position.

When I was learning to drive my instructor was responsible for our safety. In some way he was the adult in the car and I knew that he was in charge and to be trusted. He had a set of foot pedals on his side of the car that would allow him to cut the
power and stop the car anytime he decided I was about to do something that wasn't in our best interest. Like the time I nearly pulled out in front of a truck doing 30 mph onto a roundabout because as far as I was concerned I had right of way.
I didn't always like him for cutting the power, and sometimes I felt a bit stupid, but as a result I can now safely drive a car.

A time out works in the same kind of a way. When it comes to an argument there are really only two positions you can be in - adult or child. You just need to get slick at spotting the difference. The poor me, leave me alone child is fairly easy to
identify but there is another type you need to be aware of - the critical child.

The critical child masquerades as an all knowing adult which can be particularly confusing. So if you're busy trying to win an argument by being clever or making a great point then you're probably stuck in child even though you sound super adult.

So the deal is this, if you or your partner spot that one of you has slipped off into child you call a halt by saying 'time out'. It's a good phrase because it's totally neutral and it cuts all the power in the argument before you get yourselves into any real trouble. If your relationship is as valuable to you as my instructor's car was to him then this is a very good thing.

If you want to use this tip make sure you talk about it with your partner. Everyone likes a different level of drama in their lives - some as little as possible, some prefer Hollywood levels. When you start using time outs you'll cut the level of
drama in the relationship so it's possible that one or even both of you will feel like something is missing. It's a bit like when you gave up sugar in your tea or coffee (please tell me you did!). At first it wasn't fun but now you just couldn't go back.

Once you get an agreement in place that time outs are one of the ways you're going to protect your relationship it's important that they are respected. They build safety into a relationship but only work well if both people abide by them. It's not much fun having someone call a time out especially when you're convinced about being right. At points it can be infuriating but in the longer term it leaves you less mess to clear up. You end up having a simple discussion about whether it's worth pulling out in front of a truck even if you are in the right. In stark contrast to trying to work out how the hell you're going to work to pay for the car with so much of your body in plaster.

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TIPS ON ARGUMENTS!

* When you call a time out do it in a neutral fashion. 'Time out you pig' is not neutral, neither is, 'I'm timing you out' said in your best punitive tone.

* When it comes to arguments it's worth asking yourself 'Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?' So much of what passes for spirited discussion is about point scoring which is basically silly. You're on the same team so give it up.

* Before you launch into an argument remember to H.A.L.T. Ask yourself are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? If you are it may be smart to take yourself a little less seriously until you sort yourself out.

* Always have a time where you can come back and talk about what was really going on. This is important, otherwise it becomes a way of avoiding ever having a heavy discussion. Some conversations are painful in their nature and need to be had.
Just make sure that they are adult conversations. Sorry kids, no disrespect Intended ;-) If you read my article called 'How to Have a Decent Argument' (link below) it talks about how to have a discussion without it getting overly messy.

©By MichaelMyerscough, professional speaker and relationship success coach. Michael has lots of great tips, tools and articles on his website that you can use. Visit him at http://www.therelationshipgym.com/ and sign up for the fr*ee relationship information.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE- New Study about Religion and Societal Ills from the UK Making Headlines

“The study shows that England, despite the social ills it has, is actually performing a good deal better than the USA in most indicators, even though it is now a much less religious nation than America.”

A study released September 27, 2005 by The Times in the UK is making headlines.
Conclusion of the study: The US is not doing as well in reducing social ills as other countries such as the UK, France, Japan and Scandanavia. “The non-religious, proevolution democracies contradict the dictum that a society cannot enjoy good conditions unless most citizens ardently believe in a moral creator. The widely held fear that a Godless citizenry must experience societal disaster is therefore refuted.”

According to a recent study, religious belief can case damage to a society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today. In fact, they think belief in and worship of God may actually contribute to social problems.

The study compares the social peformance of Britain and other relatively secular countries with the US, where (according to the study) the majority believes in a creator rather than the theory of evolution. Many conservative evangelicals in the US consider Darwinism to be a social evil, believing that it inspires atheism and amorality.

Many liberal Christians and believers of other faiths believe their religion makes them "better" people, and has been described as “spiritual capital”. However, the study claims the opposite.

The paper, published in the Journal of Religion and Society, a US academic journal, reports: “Many Americans agree that their churchgoing nation is an exceptional, God-blessed, shining city on the hill that stands as an impressive example for an increasingly sceptical world.

“In general, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion in the prosperous democracies.

“The United States is almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so.”

Gregory Paul, the author of the study and a social scientist, used data from the International Social Survey Programme, Gallup and other research bodies to reach his conclusions, comparing murder rates, abortion, suicide and teen pregnancy and other social indicators.

The study concluded that:

the US was the world’s only prosperous democracy where murder rates were still high, and that the least devout nations were the least dysfunctional.

rates of gonorrhoea in adolescents in the US were up to 300 times higher than in less devout democratic countries.

US adolescent and adult syphilis infection rates, and adolescent abortion rates are "uniquely high"

“The study shows that England, despite the social ills it has, is actually performing a good deal better than the USA in most indicators, even though it is now a much less religious nation than America.” (quoting Mr. Paul)

the disparity was even greater between the US and other countries, including France, Japan and the Scandinavian countries. These nations had been the most successful in reducing murder rates, early mortality, sexually transmitted diseases and abortion, he added.

“I suspect that Europeans are increasingly repelled by the poor societal performance of the Christian states,” Mr. Paul added.

Mr Paul delayed releasing the study until now because of Hurricane Katrina. He said that the evidence accumulated by a number of different studies suggested that religion might actually contribute to social ills.

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ARE YOU AN INTROVERT? DO YOU KNOW OR WORK WITH AN INTROVERT?
This article is appearing on so many blogs, I thought I'd put it up here, with permission of Nancy Fenn, TheIntrovertzcoach and author. Nancy is widely published on the Internet. You can find the entire article here.

Excerpt:

INTROVERTS ARE

1. Introverts are territorial. This includes their personal space.
2. Introverts love to read.
3. Introverts, despite appearances, are not shy and they are frequently not braindead just because they don't say anything while you are talking to them.
4. Introverts are not impressed by personality.
5. The assumptions, guiding principles, underlying beliefs and expectations of introverts are so different from the extroverted majority that you may not even realize you have a bad map to the territory.
6. Introverts hate being rushed.
7. Introverts are greatly afraid of making mistakes in public and of humiliation in public during a learning period.
8. Introverts hate small talk.
9. Introverts hate phones and especially cell phones.
10. Introverts say what they mean.
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EQ 4 U - HURRICANE RITA

HURRICANE RITA

As I blog this entry (Friday night), Hurricane Rita is hovering around the Texas Coast, but it looks like she will hit around Beaumont, instead of Galveston, which is closer to where I live -- San Antonio.

We have spent the past day and a half near radio, TV or computer, experiencing a variety of emotions. Incredulity that this hurricane is bigger, and might hit New Orleans again. Thinking that's not a bad idea, because of the shape the city is in, and (we understand) the people are all out of there. Then feeling guilty about that. One of my friends pinpointed the place along the Texas coast least inhabited and prayed it would hit there.

We've reminisced about past hurricanes in our area. We're pretty far inland, but there are always effects. (We hear we will have a wind advisory tomorrow, but no rain).

We've talked about the panic and hoarding. I called my cousin in Round Rock, north of Austin, 100 miles from here, and she said the grocery store shelves were bare. However, some of the evacuees from Houston and Galveston had arrived in Round Rock last night, and we presumed it might just be more people buying food than usual, not hoarding and stock-piling.

While the world is still reeling from the effects of Katrina, we're now bracing for something that could be just as bad, or worse. And individually, having recovered from the effects of various "crises" in our lives, we shared our resilience and our tales.

"You've never seen a line at a gas station," said Martha. "You should've been in North Carolina in the early 70's. I sat in a line for an hour."

"Yeah," said Tom. "My cousin got married in Houston in the 80s and the men took turns taking everyone's car to the gas station so we could get to the reception and wedding and back home. I'll never forget that."

"To me," said Tina, "this is a crisis. We used to get stranded in the Corpus Christi airport at Christmas time. My son was two months old. I was running out of formula and diapers."

"Well, they always have milk in the restaurants," said Bill.

"There were no restaurants in airports back then," said Tina. "That's a crisis -- your baby starving."

The older folks had more stories, and they were also more calm. We learn resilience through life's adversities, and we learn staying power from elders. Grandmas never seem to panic over the same things as Moms do. They've usually seen worse. LOTS worse.

"Things will be fine," said the Elder Statesman of the Group. "They always are."

"Everything always turns out for the best," added Stewart.

"Well," I added, because this is how I see it, "something good always comes from everything."

There ensued a short discussion of whether "things always turn out for the best."

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From my standpoint, as an emotional intelligence coach, I think it's your call. Some people suffer adversity and are the worse for it. Something good doesn't come from it, and things definitely don't turn out for the best in the end.

They become "victims," bitter and cynical. Sometimes it's expressed as hostility, sometimes as depression. They live in a negative world and attract negative people and situations, digging themselves deeper into their black holes. Their response to the adversity is "why me?" and "it's an evil world," or "I have bad karma," and they add a much larger adversity to the original one. They attack before they're attacked, and ward off kindness with suspicion.

A loved one dies and they harden their hearts and never love again. They suffer a job loss and hate "bosses" from then on. Someone cheats them one time on a contract and they decide no one is ever to be trusted again. They fail to get into the college of their dreams and they decide the world is forever against them.

If you have positive messages about adversity and resilience, I hope you'll share them with others at such times. I think of the times my little world was shaken when I was a kid -- my parents were upset about something -- and I would run to my grandmother. She'd be sitting there smiling and would say, "Everything's fine," and pull me up into her lap. When I was a teenager, and my heart had been broken, my mom wasn't sure what to say or do, but my grandmother knew. "There'll be another train along soon," she would say, and just smile.

It wasn't what she said. It was how she was. She had endured much adversity in her lifetime, and knew that we can survive nearly anything if we keep our spirits up and our hope alive.

"IF IT ISN'T A HURRICANE IT WILL BE SOMETHING ELSE," she would say. "THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING COMING ALONG BUT YOU'LL BE FINE. NOW GET BACK TO YOUR READING, DEAR. LIFE GOES ON."

Resilience is an EQ competency that can be learned. We learn it by approaching the adversity in our life in a certain way. The good news is it can be learned. The bad news is that you'll have lots of opportunities. Or you could reverse those two. However, your life is what you make of it, and people who are happy are generally happy because they've decided to be, not because they have any more reason than you and I, or any less.

EQ for YOU

LOW SELF-ESTEEM SHRINKS THE BRAIN /
BBC SCIENCE CORRESPONDENT, Pallab Ghosh

People with a low sense of self worth are more likely to suffer from memory loss as they get older, say researchers.

The study, presented at a conference at the Royal Society in London, also found that the brains of these people were more likely to shrink compared with those who have a high sense of self esteem.

Dr Sonia Lupien, of McGill University in Montreal surveyed 92 senior citizens over 15 years and studied their brain scans.

She found that the brains of those with low self-worth were up to a fifth smaller than those who felt good about themselves.

These people also performed worse in memory and learning tests.
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For EQ Coaching, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .
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EQ - PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM INTERNET FRAUD

PROTECTING YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET
IT'S THE SMART THING TO DO

Identity fraud is a growing concern to those of us who use the Internet a lot. We can’t do without the convenience of it, but it also puts us at-risk if we aren’t careful. I think it’s been years since I got a book anywhere but amazon.com, or a CD for that matter. I use PayPal for my coaching business and also pay others through PayPal. And, yes, I’ve bid a time or two on eBay. But along with this convenience, we face identity theft, which is a nightmare.

PHISHING FOR PHOOLS

One of the ways identity fraud is perpetrated is through something Called “phishing.” These are emails that you receive that look like they come from PayPal, eBay, or even an individual (known or not known to you), but are sent by fraudsters who are trying to get you to (1) click that you’ve received it and
thereby reveal youremail information; (2) open attachments and get a virus; or (3) reply to the hyperlink in the email and reveal personal financial data, codes, etc.

I receive emails from individuals wanting to know who I am and why I emailed them. This is because someone has appropriated by email address and sends out things as if they were from me.

At first glance these emails can look like they come from legitimate sites, but there are some clues to look for. First of all, they often try and hook you in by putting threatening Subject lines, such as “Your account is about to be closed”.

The message in the email often includes the logo and official copy, but remembe, these things are easy to rip-off. It’s easy to replicate whole websites. One clue to look for is poor grammar, typos, and broken English. I personally have never
received one that didn’t have one or the other of those. It’s as if fraudsters advertise by their poor command of the English language (which is why I encourage marketing clients to make sure their copy in emails and on their websites is clean. It makes an impression!)

Whatever the reason, that’s one clue. I’m talking about reading the email, which is okay to do, but whatever you do, don’t reply to it, don’t click that you’ve received it, don’t open any attachment that comes with it, don’t go to any of the URL sites
listed, and never, never enter information on those sites.

Generally they will tell you you need to change information on your account, or that they’ve added an email to your account, or something that supposedly requires you go to the URL listed. Don’t do it.

RESOURCES TO EDUCATION YOURSELF

You can’t be sure, so it’s better to be safe than sorry. Here are some resources for you to educate yourself. Here is a link to the FTC site that explains how to avoid being phsished.

Here is a report from the FBI on phishing and spoofing.

And here is a site on comprehensive identity theft (sorry about the sound effects) from the University of Oklahoma Police Department.

THE INFORMED CONSUMER IS SAFER

Most commercial sites we deal with specify that they will never email you asking for your code, social security number, or any other personal or financial information. When in doubt, get in touch with the site claimed. Don’t reply, don’t go to the
website and enter any information, and don’t make any purchases. Remember that truly secure sites begin with https:// and that logos and whole websites can easily be faked.

If you think you’ve provided sensitive information to a phake site, take action immediately. Go to the real site and change you information, call your bank, do whatever it takes to protect your online identity.

REPORT PHISHING AND FRAUD

P.S. Do us all a favor and turn these things in. Things that look like they come from PayPal and eBay, you can forward to spoof@paypal.com . When you forward them, first of all, they will respond to you almost immediately with an email telling you
it’s a fraud or phish, which will put your mind at ease. Then they say they investigate each of them, and shut down the websites, which we hope is true. So it helps all of us if you forward these emails.

INVESTIGATE

If you are corresponding with someone and begin to wonder if it’s legitimate, or need some information, why not look before you leap. Whether it’s a “date” from one of the Internet sites, like MillionaireMatch or
or eHarmony, someone you’re considering doing business with, or thinking about hiring (wouldn't you like to know if they've sued former employees?), why not investigate? The Closer will find out for you – far beyond what you can do on your own on the
Internet. They have reliable databases not available to the public to investigate criminal backgrounds, financial information, sex crimes, litigation history, where they've lived and with whom, and so forth. The Close is discreet, efficient and confidential. They have no interest in why you want to know, they just do the job.

STAY SAFE!

For coaching go here for THE EQ COACH.

For a reading, go here FOR NANCY FENN, nationally recognized expert on the Saturn Return. She has answers.

Think your partner might be cheating? Investigate first. Go to
THE CLOSER.

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EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE-HURRICANE KATRINA EXPERIENCE

KEEPING AN EYE ON THE STORM
This from the Alabama Gulf Coast Visitors & Convention Bureau. I was at one time considering retiring to this area. It is beautiful, and has been ravaged this year. Hurricane Ivan is fresh on their minds as they absorb Hurricane Katrina. Here's what they've learned:
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"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." - Eleanor Roosevelt

THE LATEST NEWS FROM THE BEACH
Hurricane Katrina passed to the west of Orange Beach and Gulf Shores. Our hearts and prayers go out to our neighbors who were hit so hard by Katrina, but we are extremely grateful to report that Gulf Shores and Orange Beach were spared the heavy damage of the storm.

We did experience a temporary gasoline shortage last week. That situation has stabilized and gas supply in the area has already returned to normal.

Orange Beach fared very well. Power was quickly restored throughout the city. Businesses and accommodations in Orange Beach were open with a day or two and are excited to welcome visitors. Public beache areas are also open.

Gulf Shores experienced greater storm surge, but virtually no structural damage. Crews have restored power throughout the city. There is a large amount of sand to be removed from along roadsides, but that work is well underway. The Gulf Shores Public
Beach and city-owned public access points are temporarily closed
for cleanup, but not for long.

Reaching Out to Our Neighbors

With the memory of Hurricane Ivan still fresh in the minds of people here, citizens of Gulf Shores and Orange Beach have overwhelmingly come to the aid of neighbors in Mississippi, Louisiana and south Mobile County. On practically every corner you’ll find a benefit car wash, food drive or clothing collection site. Local business owners have loaded up their own delivery trucks, taking it upon themselves to drive supplies to storm-ravaged areas. Churches, civic centers and individual citizens are opening their doors to those who need a place to stay.

Here in Orange Beach and Gulf Shores, we are filled with mixed emotions about Katrina: relief that we were spared, and guilt at feeling that relief. It’s one thing to watch the suffering unfold on TV. It’s quite another to know it’s happening not far down the road, in places you love, where you have friends, family and
colleagues.

A year ago, we found out first-hand that the kindness of strangers does still exist and we are ...

FOR COACHING, CALL SUSAN @ 210-496-0678, OR MAILTO:sdunn@susandunn.cc. Visit her website for information, resources, services, and products.

WANT TO BECOME AN EQ COACH? Register for the EQ ALIVE! Program. Start immediately.
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Psychology
Psychology

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE - EQ - LOVE

"Love always begins with the person closest to you. It does not begin with nameless and faceless people. It begins with those you sweat and struggle with--those who frequently disagree with you and put you down. That is why it is so hard. It is easier to love the world than your closest relative." -Jim Smoke

Fortunately we get a lot of practice at this!