EQ: Music -- it soothes, enchants, imunizes

MUSIC HATH CHARMS TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST ...

Music soothes, enchants, immunizes ...

IMMUNIZES? Of all the things you know music does for you – energizes, inspires, soothes, evokes emotions, and entertains you – there’s evidence it affects our immune systems.

The Greeks suspected this, making Apollo the god of both music and medicine. They believed music had the power to move streams, tame beasts, and penetrate the depths of our soul’s, changing and healing us.

Pythagoras, a mathematician, thought certain musical chords and melodies produced certain responses in people, and that the right sequence of sounds could change the behavior patterns of people and accelerate healing.

The connection between math, healing and music is a strong one. Many people talented in math are also good at music (they’re both symbolic languages), and to be a doctor or nurse, you must be good at math.

HOW DOES MUSIC DO THIS?

Music is vibration. The cochlea in our ears converts it to electrical impulses which travel to the brain stem. That’s our primitive brain and that’s why we’re so deeply affected by music; the brain stem is so far from the neocortex it doesn’t even know we have one. Music is as primordial as smell, completely circumventing “thinking.” Smells affect us emotionally. You know how you feel when you walk into a house and smell cookies like your mother used to bake, or how you bury your face in your loved one’s clothes after they’ve died? It’s how the newborn finds it mother, and how the lover selects his mate (pheromones).

Music affects us as profoundly. When you hear a song from your teen years, suddenly you’re transported across time and space to your first love and feel as you did then (and would give anything to have it back?).

These electrical impulses create brain wave frequencies: beta, alpha, theta, and delta. Beta waves are when we’re alert and focused. Alpha waves are when we’re relaxed or in-the-flow. Theta waves occur during deep meditation and that twilight time before we fall asleep. Delta waves occur during sleep.

The electrical impulses then make their way down the spinal cord and impact the autonomic nervous system (“ANS”), which effects our heart rate, pulse, blood pressure, and muscle tension, which translate into “feelings.”

We hear “Con Te Partiro” (“It’s Time to Say Good-bye”), by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman, and feel the sorrow of parting, a Sousa march and we get up and start cleaning house, and music like Pachelbel’s “Canon” is so even-keeled it’s used by masseuses. Likely it puts us into alpha state, along with the massage; or doesn’t disturb us from that state.

Music and massage are two things I recommend to people who’ve suffered trauma that goes beyond words. Touch and music reach the cells of the body, where the healing needs to take place, because the suffering is pre-verbal, or extra-verbal. As Mendelssohn said, “Music cannot be expressed in words, not because it is vague but because it is more precise than words.”

Because music is vibrations, we “feel” it as much as we “hear” it. In fact the German composer Beethoven was deaf at the end of his career. He continued to compose by placing a piece of wood between his clavicle and the strings of the piano, feeling the vibrations.

WHAT DO THE SCIENTISTS SAY?

Goldman and Gurin, early researchers in the field of psychoneuroimmunology, found there are nerve fibers in every organ of the immune system, establishing a link between our thoughts and feelings and health. What we tell ourselves about what we perceive and how we therefore feel, makes a difference.

Dr. Candace Pert, professor of Physiology and Biophysics at Georgetown University Medical School, researches “new paradigm” healing and “how the ‘bodymind’ functions as a single psychosomatic network of information molecules which control our health and physiology.” In other words, our emotions are in our cells. (You’ve seen her in “What The Bleep Do We Know?” and on Bill Moyer’s “Healing and the Mind.” She is the author of “Molecules of Emotion”.)

Dr. David Sobel, author of “Rx: Preparing for Surgery,” recommends talking to your immune system before surgery because our immune system as well as our autonomic nervous system functions can be influenced by our thoughts, visioning and what we hear.

What about sending it music, and not just before surgery, but routinely?

WHAT KIND OF MUSIC?

I’m sure I’m not the only parent who objected to their teenager listening to acid rock; the lyrics were bad, yes, but just the beat I thought was agitating, and I could see the effect on my sons when they listened.

What would be calming? This varies from person-to-person, and it’s your pleasure to figure out what works for you. If you can monitor your pulse rate and such, as you listen, so much the better; if not, simply note what calms you and makes you feel good. Some folks I know play the same music every night when they go to bed, and it works like Pavlov’s dog.

I should add here that one of my sons did one of those experiments growing plants to music when he was in high school, and darned if the ones that got Mozart didn’t thrive, while the ones that got acid rock died.

That might be a clue, a place for you to start.

CAN MUSIC BE THERAPEUTIC?

Expressive Arts and Music therapists think it can. Barbara Crowe, past president of the National Association of Music Therapy thinks its because music and rhythm still the constant chatter of the left brain.

“A loud, repetitive sounds sends a constant signal to the cortex,” she says, “masking input from other senses…”

Do we need a break from all the judging and analyzing? You tell me.

The Director of Coronary Care at St. Agnes Hospital in Baltimore, thinks “… music therapy ranks high on the list of modern day management of critical care patients.”

According to the American Music Therapy Association, music is used in hospitals to alleviate pain, elevate mood, counteract depression, calm or sedate, induce sleep, manage anxiety, and lessen muscle tension andd relax the ANS.

EXAMPLES

We hear examples from time-to-time … perhaps you received the email about the little boy who sang a certain song to his baby sister when she was in utero. When she was born she was in great distress and her brother was brought to the hospital to tell her good-bye. He started singing the same song, and she calmed and was able to get better. If it’s not true, I think it could be.

Or the research on Vietnam veterans suffering from PTSS for whom the only thing that’s worked has been drumming.

Or check out “Chant,” a recording made by the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos, Spain, which has sold millions of copies around the world. About it, the music critic for the San Francisco Examiner wrote: “What we’re talking about is inner peace, transcendence, a serenity beyond mortal care.”

Ask those of us who live music, not just love it, and we’ll tell you music transports us somewhere … somewhere where we like to be, and I suppose we take our cells with us when we go there!

But don’t ask others, find out for yourself.

graphics from www.clipart.com

EQ - About Nonverbal Communication

A LETTER TO DEAR PRUDENCE
ABOUT NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

Dear Prudence,

How do you respond to someone (a total stranger) who, out of nowhere, tells you to smile -- or remarks on the lack of a smile on your face? In the past month I've observed the following incidents. At the checkout line in my grocery store, there was a woman in front of me and a man in front of her. The man looked at the woman, who was not smiling, and said to her, "You must be having a bad day." She mumbled something in reply and gave an apologetic smile. After they left, I heard the two checkout clerks in the area speaking angrily to one another about what had just happened. One of them said indignantly, "What if her mother had just died?!" The other said, "I would have told him, 'My day was fine until you came along!' " And so on.

In another instance, a young man next to me at a sandwich shop, while placing his order, said to the young girl behind the counter, "Smile!" She quickly looked down at her work, cringed, and said, "Oh, it's just been a long day, I guess." (That's the kind of response I probably would have made.)

Then a few days ago, a male co-worker came into the office, annoyed, and said, "I hate it when people think I'm in a bad mood just because I'm not smiling. I'm not in a bad mood at all."

Apparently someone (another total stranger) had said something to him while he was in the parking lot.

When it's happened to me, I know I've felt offended. I don't want to be rude, but they're out of line, aren't they? I just would like to know how a person is supposed to respond to these people.

-- Smiling When I Feel Like It

Dear Smile,

These commentators are strangers? What's up with that? Prudie thinks a proper response would be nonverbal communication. Something along the lines of knitting your eyebrows together, narrowing your eyes, and making the slightest sneer, all while cocking your head to a 45 degree angle.

-- Prudie, huffily

COMMENTARY: Statistically, men are far less able to read nonverbal communication. They're hard-wired that way. One explanation, referring to sexual cues, is that men can't afford to miss any chance, so they misread in the direction of what they want, i.e., "that [whatever it is] means she wants me." Nonverbal information portrays the emotional tone of an exchange. Men experience an emotion instantly as a "call to action." They are not inclined, in fact not ABLE (hard-wired) to 'sit with it.' (Source: "The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain").** If it feels bad, which can occur when they don't understand something immediately, they just want it to go away. (Source: Mark Brandenburg, fathering coach and counselor. So why waste time reading further cues or investigating?

This in turn becomes an inability to read cues, because they have no practice with it. Then, because of men's procilivity (I love "propensity" and "proclivity"!) to externalize guilt, they will blame the other party, i.e., "Why didn't you smile?" or "Why don't you say what you mean?" or "It's your fault, you didn't make it clear." (Source: John Gray, "Mars and Venus, Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One," by John Gray, Ph.D.").

The last part of the puzzle is that men are less "socially responsible" (Bar-On, EQ-i assessment research). Therefore, they care less how the other feels, or what it might mean, which means, again, they put less time into it, and in turn, learn little.

**According to Simon-Cohen: "The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding and building systems." In other words, women are wired to understand people and relationships, while men are wired to understand ideas and things.

Anything about the genders is provocative. The good news about EQ is this: If you read something about your gender that disturbs you or makes you angry, and this is because you know at some level it's true ... you can LEARN EQ.

If you're a man who reads nonverbal cues poorly and this is causing problems in your life and relationships, then take action! Do something about it. Start learning EQ. If you're a woman and have trouble understanding systems, and how things work, take action. Part of the reason for this can be an over-emphasis on empathy and feelings. You can learn to turn this down, allowing you to think more clearly, when that's called for. You can get some balance by understanding that other things are important in life, too, not just emotions and relationships.

THE GOOD NEWS IS EQ CAN BE LEARNED! So don't waste your time cursing the darkness, learn how to light a candle. Call 210-496-0678 for coaching, or check out my Internet courses HERE and ebooks HERE.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS ABOUT COMMUNICATION

Who's talking? Who's listening?


Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: “Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him.”

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. “In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of.” ~George Miller

2. “The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood.” ~Source Unknown

3. “Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words – if they choose a verbal strategy at all.” ~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking”

4. “Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious.” ~Suzette Haden Elgin, author of “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense”

5. “There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything.” ~Suzette Haden Elgin

6. “Never use Hedges (‘I know you’d never let me, but ---). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that says ‘Please kick me – I would love to be a victim.’” ~Suzette Haden Elgin

7. “If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions.” ~Gary Smalley

8. “For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver.” ~George Ade

9. “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” ~Peter Drucker

10. “Sympathetic people often don’t communicate well. They send back reflected images which hide their own depths.” ~George Eliot

11. “If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target.” ~Suzette Haden Elgin

12. “The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time.” ~John Powell

Whether we’re communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we’re communicating thoughts or feelings, it’s a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it’s good to remember – if you’re there, you’re communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.

Should you tell her "the truth" if she asks you if those pants make her look fat?
Should she ask you that question?

The answer to the second question is "no." Not the question to ask.
The answer to the first question? I like this -- I don't always know what "the truth" is. (After all, I look with the eyes of love. And what would you tell a child you adored if she asked you if she was beautiful? Come on now.) I don't always know what "the truth" is, but I always know what's "kind."

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE - TEACHERS NEED IT

With high EQ you don't have to take it if you don't want it!


Making the email list circuit is a cute joke, but of course when I read it, I had on my EQ cap. Teaching is one of the professions that requires high EQ. Teens are testing, and always trying to get away with something. The naive teacher will be cannon fodder.

I remember when I took Statistics in college for my master's degree, on the day of the final, the professor reminded us we didn't have to memorize the formulas, he had them on his desk on sheets of paper, we just needed to come ask for the one we wanted. Then he added, "And I mean ask for the one you want. The first year I taught this course, I wasn't so smart. I let the students come up and say 'Give me the formula for question no. 6' I'm not falling for that one again!"

Enjoy!

THE CHEMISTRY FINAL

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final exam that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.They had a great time. However they got back late and missed the final.

They pleaded with the professor to allow them to make up the test. They told him they went to Tennessee to party with a few friends and on their way home they had a flat tire. They informed the professor that they waited for hours for someone to pick them up, etc. etc.

Finally, they convinced the professor to allow them to take a make-up test.

A couple of days later they were sitting in different rooms ready to take the test. They looked at the first question, which was worth five points. It seemed simple enough, and both thought this was going to be easy.

Then they turned the page, and Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).